c'est la vie.

MzJOWEE

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise."

Last night the singles crew were hanging out doing the usual, hanging out in the balcony, smoking the cigs, hookah, drinking the cranberry vodka. I enjoy nights like these when I can have intellectual conversations with some of the people that matter to me the most. Our conversations range from politics, to sexual innuendos, dating, college, hell we even talk about our bowel movements every so often. Most of our conversations always lead back to relationships, usually what we’re dealing right now in the present. It can either be a fuck buddy that won’t get the hint, too many too much guys at the same time, trying to figure out why we act differently when with friends and a girlfriend/boyfriend, and becoming a robot. (Heartless, incomprehensible, scared; selfish… you get the picture).  

While chatting up with them three questions came into mind.

1. Why do we settle?

 Everyone knows the quote “don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve.” Yet we still find ourselves getting caught up in circles, meeting different individuals that we know is not good enough, not smart enough, and intellectual enough. We become enthralled in the idea of being with someone that even if we were given half the love and affection that we thrive for, we always ration and say “that’s good enough for me.” When we focus too much on a goal such as being in a relationship, we throw if not all, most of our standards away and accept whatever is there. Upon doing so, our principles that we once made a list for has shifted into the wind. Why do we do this? Is it because we’re deathly afraid that we won’t find anyone else? Is it because that we underestimate ourselves thinking that we can’t find anything better thus grabbing the opportunity even if it’s not good enough? Or is it because we sincerely believe that WE are not good enough for what we want? Sans the 30% douche bag population who believe that they’re God’s gift to species, People underestimate their capabilities more often than not. Therefore they take what’s there and let go of what was wanted in the first place.

 2. Why do we let our insecurities get the best of us?

You have it. It’s right there, standing in front of you. Every signal is pointing towards that direction; every sign has a beaming light saying “COME CLOSER.” Yet you stop, run away, sit in the corner of your demise and curse yourself for not taking the opportunity. You figure your not good looking enough, smart enough, skinny/ buff enough; they’re too amazing, too Godlike, that someone like you would never have the chance to be with them. Why are we our biggest critic? Why do we feel that we’re not worth every single thing that we want just because we feel we can’t measure up? How long will it take for us to realize that life is about taking chances, seeing the inevitable, striving for the impossible? When will we grasp the fact that if we don’t seize the opportunity, we will always wonder “what if?”

 3. What measures do we have to take to move on?

One of life’s greatest unanswerable questions, When moving on from a relationship that inevitably fucked you up, what do you do to get over them? Is it venting out to your closest friends? Running away and leaving to another city, state, or even country? Is it holding everything in, eventually hoping it will pass? Or is it rebounding to another person so you have other things to think about? Personally, this kind of situation hasn’t really happened to me in much depth as the others, yet I find myself talking to different individuals who all have the same dilemma. The one word that I can think of when asked that question is Time. It may take months or years, but I still believe that the saying, “Time heals all wounds” is true. I honestly do believe that once you realize that the one person you need to take care of first before anyone else is yourself, you’ll really start to believe the untattainable.

Until next time…

xx.

MzJOWEE

“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”

Despite the efforts of trying to be a good friend, a comrade, an acquaintance with benefits, a sister, a cousin, a be there for you all the time best friend, you still manage to encompass an individual that is able to leave you at a drop of a dime.. Dime, meaning boyfriend/girlfriend. Why is that when someone else comes along in the picture you accept the backseat of the car, silenced and void of all backseat driving-esque statements? From then on you become a convenience, a “ He/She’s not here right now, and I have nothing else better to do, so let’s hang out?” and your left with a conundrum, of whether this person REALLY cares about you perpetually or is just an ease to pass time. More so than anything else, you get empty promises and slight interjection’s of proclamations such as “We should totally hang out soon I miss you!” or a “We need to catch up it’s been so long” but then once again, your left in your irate state with empty hope and a downsized will of excitement. I’m still left wondering as to why a person that BARELY comes into someone’s life has more of an effect than the forgotten companion who has been there ever since the beginning? I’m sure they eloquently give you flowers, cooks you breakfast in bed, gives you butterflies while they kiss your neck but have you forgotten your now mind-deceased friend that carried you while you were puking, listened to your blatant words of love everlasting, your moments of whimpers when things weren’t good enough, your friend that took out the trash when you were too lazy, the one that made sure they got you the right potato chips because you CAN’T stand anything that’s spicy, the one that was there for you when your bf/gf is being an idiot, and the one that took you out and got you exquisitely drunk just because you needed to get away? I’m almost convinced that you don’t even notice that while you’re locked up in your safe haven of “eternal” bliss your pal is knocking on the door asking you to spend just a little bit of time, already accepting their second rate of termination. When was it ever accepted that the only relationship that needs to be taken care of is of you and a significant other? Relationships are a two way street. Friend, Family or lover. Get with the program.

Until next time…

xx.

MzJOWEE

“I wanted to convince you that you must learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it.”

How is it possible that in a span of 3 days I only had 5 hours worth of sleep? Being the human trait version of Snorlax (the pokemon, if you forgot!), I usually get 8-9 hours of sleep back in the day (when I used to live at home). DAMN!

 This week went by strangely fast. My cousin’s grandfather passed away most recently so Thursday night I was able to go to his viewing. RIP Tatay Poncho. During the viewing I was talking to my cousin and aunt (my dad’s sister) and I finally had the courage to tell her about my tattoo. After seeing it she got a little bit teary-eyed and very nostalgic then said “At least you can remember her everyday.” After the viewing the roomie’s headed to BJ’s in Brea to celebrate Vinz’s birthday and I must say it was a breath of fresh air seeing a lot of the old school together. I suddenly became a bit nostalgic because of how much we used to hang out with each other before. Lately I’ve been hanging out with a different crowd and even though I love them to death, it’s always nice to go back to the past. As usual I bought Vinz a fourhorsemen and got him fucked up because everyone else kept buying him drinks. Quotes such as “gator dick,” “your tits taste better than the pazookie,” and “ I’m going to call my girlfriend to tell her to suck my dick” made the night memorable hahahaha!

damn, look at this sexy man

Friday night the pseudo-singles crew ( pseudo because Jay now has a girlfriend, Ciery is in the process of getting a boyfriend, Jake is still ditching me for sex, and I’m stuck with my 50 dogs) went to El Senor for this once a month event and this shit was basically a REUNION! I was beyond fucked up (more fucked up than usual) because the last meal I had was at 2 and somehow I ended up taking 2 shots of patron, 1 cactus cooler, 2 corona’s, 2 jager bombs, some cranberry vodka, and a glass of hen and coke. ( WTF? I KNOW!) Jane and Duday came out to play and honestly after my 2^nd shot of patron I said goodnight to everyone that I loved and everything became really hazy. All I can remember was that I double fisted 2 corona’s for a good portion of the night and then I ended with nothing. THEN I ended with another corona and a hen and coke then that disappeared too. A lot of people grabbed my ass that night for some damn reason and I vaguely remember Duday asking me to give her a lap dance. Hahahah, good times. I ended up knocking out around 4am.

the ONLY picture I took that night! ( me and Joey!)

To my dismay I was able to wake up really early to go to the gym with roomie even though I needed a drink of water every 5 minutes. I didn’t wake up with a bad hangover but I was still a bit dizzy. After that roomie and I had some Filipino food, dropped her off to work and picked up Leo. Goal for Saturday was to get my tattoo then go thrift store shopping but I ended up being lazy so we just went thrift store shopping instead. I was able to get 2 dresses, a skirt, and 2 shirts for less than 20 bucks. =) After I dropped off Leo, and RIGHT when I get home Imee’s at the door so off we go to get some Korean BBQ . After our 3 hour dinner and hilarious talks we went to Jane’s to pick her and Xavi up for dessert. It’s always fun hanging out with the Soul Sistas and even though I don’t see them on a daily basis like I used to, seeing them once or twice a week is still good. Came home around 11, Geoff and Fallon came over because we were supposed to go to a party but I ended being SUPER lazy so we just watched movies and I ended up sleeping around 4:30. =(

I just realized I have a very noticeable mullet hahaha

I woke up SUPER SUPER SUPER early to meet up with Ateh Jan to go to the Rose Bowl! I love that place, it was a humongous flea market event so I was able to look at vintage accessories, furniture, shoes and clothing. I met JP’s dog Dodger (half German shepherd half something else) and he was SO BIG! If he we’re to stand up he would be taller than me… dang! ( yes Jenna, BIGGER THAN SUSHI!) Came home around 7, so roomie and I watched 300, THEN she clogged the damn toilet so I had to go to Wal-Mart at 12am ahahahahh!

  Dodger! so cute!

I haven’t cooked Filipino food in awhile. Pinkabet tonight! YUM!

 [EDIT]for all the singles out there:

xx.

MzJOWEE

“If you once forfeit the confidence of your fellow citizens, you can never regain their respect and esteem. It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time; you can even fool some of the people all of the time; but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.” - Abraham Lincoln

When breaking bad habits, the phrase “quitting cold turkey” has been said very habitually. Examples would be smoking, drinking, and gambling but have you ever phrased that quote towards another person? I know quitting cold turkey towards another individual may seem brash, but has someone ever pissed you off SO MUCH that you don’t even want to give them the respect to tell them WHY you’re quitting them in the first place? One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is when I wholeheartedly try to take care of a “friend” by inviting them to hang out, introducing them to all of my friends, offering my apartment for a place to chill, food that I cook to eat on the table, yet they STILL manage to flake out, do shit behind my back, and neglect me when it’s my turn for a helping hand.

Why do the nice one’s always get taken advantage of? I admit I can be pretty feisty when someone has pushed my buttons repeatedly but other than that it’s smooth sailing. Do I have to be a BITCH again to get treated with some respect? Don’t think that I don’t notice the sneaky things you do, the little lies you tell, and the really RUDE and INCONSIDERATE actions you’ve been doing. If you need a BITCH, then you have one right here.

Wooooooosah.

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.”

some say I don't blog often enough anymore...

some say I need to write more to pass the(ir) time...

maybe it's because i haven't felt inspired to do something.

is my life mundane? stagnant? docile?

i need to pick things up, i need to get a hobby...

the 9-5, work out 5-7, drinking 8-? is becoming elusive

maybe it's time to pick up my things and leave.

 xx.

MzJOWEE

“Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.” - Jerry Seinfeld

So, I pretty much hate myself for not being able to update this blog religiously. Either work has been becoming so hectic that I don’t have time (but for some reason I still have time to chat? LOL), or I just haven’t found any inspiration to write anymore. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been to a spoken word and I’m starting to really miss it =(. Work has been killing me lately because there’s so much to do (I’m not going to bore you on budgets and management reports) but I’ve been nonstop working on something. Quick Updates: I have accumulated 4 tattoo's on my body ( all on my arms, I still need to take a pic of the other two!) ; Single's crew is NOW non existent, if there are questions please ask me; I am going to florida in Sexy September ( Be ready bitches) and I am currently looking for a job in Makati, Philippines. Tentative Date of Departure: January 2010.

The weeks have been traveling by quickly but it seems like everything has become monotonous. I finally received the will power to work out at least 5 times a week. This week is starting week four and I’ve noticed some changes with myself. Not as much as I’d want to, but it’s a work in progress. Lesson of the Day: I could never quit ANYTHING cold turkey. Despite my efforts of giving up rice and sweets, I realized I can’t stop it completely (since I have the BIGGEST sweet tooth) and that I would have to stop eating them progressively. One of the biggest things that I need to give up completely is alcohol but it won’t let me quit. “Why can’t I quit you?”  Being a college graduate with the regular 9-5 job, it’s hard to restrain yourself from popping a cold beer in front of the TV when you want to relax.

Speaking of alcohol I am turning 23 and I am not at all enthused about it. Sans the people that I love, + the money from my tatay + dinner with my family + the alcohol, I don’t feel accomplished enough to be 23 and STILL haven’t done most of the things I’ve wanted to do. Even though I’ve made a lot of accomplishments throughout the years, I still feel inferior to the society I’ve put my standards upon. I know there’s more to myself that I can undertake I just have to put my mind to it.

Have you ever stopped to look at your life and said “Damn, I should have done this.” Not only until recently I’ve discovered the beauty of Carpe Diem, because I look back at it, and there are definitely things that I could have done differently. I mean, I know about the whole “I have no regrets, because that’s what made me the person I am today” but I think that’s complete bullshit. We all have regrets; we all could have done things differently. Doesn’t matter if your life would have turned better or even more fucked up, but truthfully we all have some demons we should have or wanted to cast away. It’s how you deal with it after that makes you the person you are, whether you want to take that leap of faith or not. So everyone say it with me, Carpe Diem.

I know it, this blog is a bit disdainful because I’m usually pretty chippy and delightful. To not get you worried I’m still happy as fuck, I still look at positivity, and I still love the idea of love.  I was told to truly reflect because it’s my birthday and here it is : Life Goes On, Carpe Diem.

Until next time…

believe in extraordinary results.

xx.

LONG OVERDUE PICTURES POSTED IN GALLERY

MzJOWEE

 "Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."

Damn this week went by really quickly =) I’m ecstatic that it’s Friday once again, another weekend of debaucheries waiting to happen I took a couple days off of work to celebrate my coming of birth and I’m really REALLY REALLY thankful for all the calls, texts, comments, and greetings

I started off my birthday right by working the fuck out of myself only to find it went to waste because of the delicious sushi I ate with some of the soul sistas. It was finally great to hang out with Reginie Beanie again because I haven’t seen her in awhile. After countless all you can eat hours of sushi at Joe’s, Gine, Jane and I picked up Xavie and Jake then we chilled at the shoppes talking for a couple hours. After that I went to my Tatay’s house to eat some delicious food. It was really really sweet because they prepared a little shindig for me complete with Filipino spaghetti and Mango Cake. It’s always best to spend your birthday with the ones you love and I definitely love these people unconditionally. The WHOLE day I’ve been dreading the night to come because I know the countless times I forced people to drink bottles of alcohol on their birthday will bite me back in the ass. A group of 20 managed to come out to Barney’s Beanery on a Tuesday and I’m really grateful that they all came! The night was filled with Patron, Irish Car bomb(s), Snake bite ( really?), blow jobs, 2 warnings from the bartender, the squid and the octopus?... it was definitely a night that I do not remember at all… I hope everyone had fun! I know I did!

Come Wednesday I was really happy I didn’t wake up with a huge hangover but I definitely felt a little nauseated. Ana, Leo and I went to eat some bomb Filipino food then we dropped off Ana to work and rented a bunch of Filipino movies. Even though I’ve said countless times that the Filipino media needs to step up their game when it comes to cinematography and making predictable movies, when they do it right, it seriously becomes a mind blowing, gut wrenching, heart grabbing film. The rest of the day was spent being lethargic but it was a day well spent being lazy =)

 Tonight I’m going out with the Vagina’s to some place I don’t even know but it should be good =) On Saturday we’re having an all day bbq at the apartment (5 celebration’s in one week?! AWESOME!) being drunk and incoherent… so if your reading this, and you know me ( I’m talking to you, my family, who is within the vicinity of me or anyone else who knows me that HASN’T gotten the message) PLEASE COME to my apartment on Saturday, it will be exciting!  

Once again, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone for all the greetings and that came to my birthday shenanigans =)

Until next time…

xx.

MzJOWEE

“The real sin against life is to abuse and destroy beauty, even one's own -even more, one's own, for that has been put in our care and we are responsible for its well-being.”

My birthday weekend went exceptionally well. Once again, thank you for everyone who greeted me, who came to anyone of the three shenanigans... i'll be forever grateful. In continuation to my previous blog the Vagina's gave me a surprise dinner at boiling crab ( top 5 of my favorite restaurants - plus it was friday so we couldn't eat meat HAHA)

thanks for dinner!

Special thanks to :

• Vaginas - for setting everything up, helping me with my surprise, paying for my dinner, letting me use the apartment for drunken debauchery
• Leo - for bbqing some awesome food, being there for all 3 birthday shenanigans, and not getting mad when people used and abused your butt crack LOL
• ROOMIES - for cleaning up the stupid mess, tolerating my drunkeness, and for setting everything up

thanks for coming on tuesday to get me fucked up!

Saturday was end all/be all of bbq's, special thanks to those who came NON filipino time, i'm sorry if i looked janky as shit and i was getting ready with you guys already there =/ aahahah! I was drinking so much at a certain point I blacked out and I don't remember anything after that. I'm going to keep what I heard about that night under wraps, we'll leave everything to the imagination.

Currently I am very agitated, distraught and in disbelief.  My mind is currently not functioning correctly and I need to get away. For those of you who know of the events that happened, part of me wants to shoot him, part of me wants to just run away. I realized that you never really know who your friends are, no matter how long you've known them... and you can never be comfortable in trusting anyone but yourself. You can be friends with someone 8 or 9 years, but one event can make your blurred mind turn 180 and finally, you can see that person for who they really are OR who they came to be. I'm sorry that I had to to find this out so late in the "friendship." I'm sorry that I'm sorry that I'm not bitter or angry towards you. I'm sorry that my actions have caused you to have a negative opinion about me. I'm sorry that i'm not sorry, for never looking at you the same way ever again.

until next time...

xx.

“I've been getting rid of some clutter — anything that doesn't serve a positive purpose in my life — and making room for things that feel happy to me. Because I get to make my life whatever I want it to be. I get to make the room feel however I want it to feel. I get to make the closet as full or as spacious as I want it. And, if I have more clutter to get rid of after Christmas, I'm not going to wait a year, or two or three to do it.”

 After the incident that shook me to my very core, I'm making a change. I'm going to erase my past that I don't need, save a little bit that's tucked into my external hard drive... and keep what's really important. At this point I realized that keeping things that's been around for a very long time (even if you thought there was some purpose to it  a long time ago) is never a good thing. There's no need to keep things that mattered to you a long time ago, when they serve no purpose for you now. Just know by reformatting my life, the old person that was once there is no longer present, the vivid and lively colors are now dull and uncompromising. Sometime's change isn't always good... and even though you won't like this change, you'll eventually get used to it because you have to.

so in the sense if you start realizing that:

• I don't want to hang out anymore - it's you not me.
• I don't answer phone calls, texts, or I don't want to talk - it's because you have been reformatted and erased.
• If you ask me to drink and I say NO, DO NOT force me, for I will turn into a rageful bitch.
• If I am a bitch towards you - you WILL get used to it sooner or later.
• If I don't answer to your little patronizing, condescending comments or criticisms it's because I DON'T CARE.
• I will NOT tolerate anything that has to do with ANYTHING from my past - consider me as a clean slate.
• I can and WILL leave you at a drop of a dime if you piss the shit out of me.
• If you don't like who I am NOW, then leave.